‘Til the Pain is So Big You Feel Nothing At All

14 Nov

Dear Diary,

It didn’t work. Even with the heating on sleep still escaped me until late and as a result I was like a walking zombie this morning. Sadly I had to go out today, I wandered out the house without a coat on and by the time I reached the bottom of the road I was cold. Part of me welcomed the chill, the weather had quite a bite and I felt something. The numbness I’ve been drowning in these past few weeks was somewhat startled by the crisp air and I felt something. A tiny thought of ‘What am I doing?’ flittered through my mind before I pushed it away in favour of the numbness. It makes me feel safe, it’s like a comfort blanket and I don’t know what to do without it anymore. I can’t cope with my thoughts, pain and the overwhelming urge to make a life for myself, so I stay as detatched as possible. It’s better this way because I don’t get hurt.

I  had to go to the Jobcentre this morning and I despise the place. Nobody understands how much I want a job, one that will lift my spirits and stop me from feeling like such a failure. I have interviews, I always do, but I’m crushed each time I don’t get the job. What’s the matter with me? And why can’t I be like everybody else?

Sometimes it feels like everybody has a life but me. I’ve started to keep away from facebook because all I see are people with lives, jobs, houses, boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends, children… They have it all. I carry so much unhappiness inside me and this blog, that’s what I have to show for my life.

Today after I left the Jobcentre I was miserable. Putting my earphones in, I skipped every song on my iPod searching for something that matched my mood and settled on John Lennon’s Working Class Hero. It was when the song started to play and I waited to cross the road that a hearse stopped right in front of me. Gazing through the glass at the resting coffin my mind began to run away from me and I knew right then there was a fine line between life and death. There have been times when my toes have crept over the blurred line, but I always fought to drag myself back to a place where I could sit and collect my thoughts until I was brave enough to stand on my own two feet again.

It’s ironic the sight of a coffin shifts my mood from quiet despair to hope. There will be a glimmer of hope in the sky tonight, a little twinkle of a star when the moon is out and it has my name on it. I have put all my energy into hoping my life will improve and I pray it’s not misplaced because I can’t keep doing this. I’m tired, so exhausted of having to fight to be happy. But I’ll keep fighting because that’s all I have and I’m not ready to give up just yet.

I think back to the hearse as it drove away from me and there were flowers in the back, pale, pretty flowers depicting a fisherman and it makes me smile sadly. There will be another family mourning a loved one this Christmas and that always depresses me.

If I died, I wonder what my own family would litter my coffin with? Probably purple and black wreaths, vodka bottles made up of flowers and I’d like to think they’d each write a letter to me. I won’t be holding my breath though…

I’m still incredibly tired and I’ve been fighting the urge not to drink all day. There is this feeling deep down inside my gut and my god, I want to get a little drunk. Only a little so I can sleep tonight. I’m unsure whether that’s my mind trying to find an excuse for me to drink. I’ll try not to listen to the drunken devil on my shoulder and stay away from the bottle today. It will only complicate matters and I need to find another way to cope. I’m still hoping posting on here will lift my spirits a little or at least the weight off my shoulders.

I guess that’s all I have to say for the moment,

– Raindrops

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2 Responses to “‘Til the Pain is So Big You Feel Nothing At All”

  1. Invisible Mikey November 14, 2011 at 6:14 pm #

    It’s good that you have a workout space in which to write about your interior struggle. You haven’t written about it, but I hope you are also pursuing exterior ways besides looking for work, like 12-step meetings (free) and volunteering (service). I hope you realize you won’t be any more valid than you are right now, just because you get a job. Not all work reinforces self-esteem. The wrong job makes it worse. You are what you are, not what you do. Best wishes for your success, in every meaningful avenue of endeavor.

    • raindropsandvodkashots November 14, 2011 at 6:24 pm #

      Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. And yes, I’ve been thinking about volunteering in a little shop I used to work in. All I need to do now is get off my backside, take a deep breath and go do just that. I’ve had terrible jobs in the past and they have made my depression worse. So this time I’m going to be choosing wisely.

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