Archive | December, 2011

New Year, New Life?

31 Dec

Dear Diary,

As the time rolls closer to midnight, I find myself sitting here and thinking. Thinking about points A, B and C. Yes, my mind is that organised I have even taken the time to label my thoughts. You can take pity on me for having far too much time on my hands or applaud me; the choice is very much up to you. But anyway, back to my thoughts. My ever so amazing, glittery, sparkly plans for 2012…

Firstly say hello to my first thought: I want to volunteer for Mind. For those of you who have no idea what I’m typing about and think I want to spend even more time in my own mind, nope, your own brain is a little crooked. I don’t want to turn knight in shining armour and vanquish my own problems; I would rather spend time helping others. Mind is a mental health charity in Great Britain and it does a great, great job. Oh, I can’t believe how cheesy that sounds. ‘Great’ is not usually a word I would use but hey, please have pity on me. It is New Years Eve and there is some absolutely shocking music on the TV right now. (Who is Loick Essien and why did 210,000 people buy a song which makes my ear drums vomit?) The Mind wheels have already been set in motion and I’m determined to see that through until the end in the New Year.

Secondly and I know you cannot wait to read about B, so I had better not keep you waiting any longer. B is a very special letter because it revolves around my studying. I was actually (And I’m sure you’re all really shocked by this admission) the world’s worst ever student. I was terrible and no, that word doesn’t even cover how utterly lost and trampled upon I was when I was attempting to do my A-Levels. I was eighteen, newly depressed and the school system chewed me up and spit me out. I felt like such a failure for not being able to complete my studies when everybody around me was doing just that. So now I’m older and slightly wiser, I’m studying with the Open University. I’ve passed my first course, sixty credits are mine and now I want more. Yes, I’m one of those greedy individuals and everything has to be mine. – Cue a carefully orchestrated evil cackle that will turn your blood to ice- I want my English degree and I will gain it!

Thirdly, I only want to be happy. This is a huge undertaking and I know at times it’s going to be a struggle, but right now, as the clock races further to the end of a year I would absolutely love to place firmly behind me, I feel like I’m on course to do just that. 2012 is going to be different because I’m going to tackle every issue head on no matter what it is. Isn’t it funny how you can become accustomed to avoiding life when it becomes too difficult? I do this. In fact, I do this so well I was expecting to be mentioned in the Queen’s New Year Honours list for being an avid avoider of all things ugly and annoying. But alas, Old Liz passed me by without a second look and I’m absolutely gutted. No really, I am. I hope you know I’m currently typing this with a miserable look painted on my face. That OBE could have been mine!

As the song Come On Eileen winds down (This really has to be the strangest New Year’s track listing ever) and Elton John begins (Seriously? Elton John?) I’m hoping 2012 is going to be my year because that is all I have: Hope. Hope and a sense of humour, and those are two traits you need to hold close to you when you’re hurting.

That’s enough from me this year.

  • Raindrops

 

Sunshine with a Chance of Laughter

13 Dec

Dear Diary,

I’m happy today, there, I said it! I feel like a different person and I couldn’t be more bewildered by my change in mood. It’s like the windy weather has blown away my troubles and given me a new lease of life. I’m sorry I haven’t updated in a couple of weeks but I was busy trying to find a way out of that deep, dark, bleak, black hole I had found myself stuck in. Thankfully I didn’t approve of the living conditions down there, so I wrangled with my depression until I could stand on my own two feet again and pulled an Indiana Jones. Yes, I climbed out of the hole, dusted myself off and smiled. I think I’m also extremely lucky my face didn’t crack because it’s been a long time since I have found a reason to smile.

I know it’s important for me to continue this diary and explore my thoughts and feelings whatever mood I happen to be in. I want people out there to know there is light at the end of the tunnel when you think you have nothing else to live for. Even when you feel like your heart is breaking, you still need to fight, fight and never give up because this is the only life you will ever have. I guess what I’m trying to say is “Fight, live, love, laugh and be happy!”

Another issue I can’t gloss over anymore is the problem with the Job Centre and now I’m feeling so much better in myself, I know I can fight the decision they made when they stopped my money for two weeks. It caused an abundance of problems, sent my depression spiralling out of control and left me penniless. I guess the money I lost isn’t the most important aspect because the woman’s behaviour to me was what pushed me to break down there in the first place. I only wish people would realise how their actions can affect somebody’s state of mind when they suffer from a mental illness. An exchange of words might seem like a completely normal occurrence to you, but to me when I’m crumbling inside, it feels like a personal attack and heaps more emotions onto my already unsteady mind.

I also have no interest in alcohol, none at all. I only seem to drown myself in spirits when I’m desperate and alone. If anybody reading this ever feels so down they feel the urge to drink: don’t do it. Alcohol is one of those friends your parents never liked you spending time with. It corrupts you, leads you astray and soon enough you see the cracks start to appear in your friendship. You’re better off finding somebody to talk to, just talk and talk some more. Even writing down your feelings can help when your mind is racing. If you write down some thoughts that are bothering you it’s easier to help yourself and if you choose to seek help, you won’t find yourself in a maze of silence and confusion when it’s time to explain your heartfelt feelings.

I guess that’s enough for now.

-Raindrops