11 Feb

Dear Diary,

I’ve never felt so alone in all my life. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of the earth and if I take another step I will surely fall into oblivion. The sharp edges of life are fading, I’m losing the will to fight and nobody is here to hold my hand and tell me everything will be fine. Even my own family have abandoned me and I don’t have the strength to hate them for it.

“You have nothing to be depressed about!”

That line was just fed to me and I’m so sick of having to defend myself against my own family’s scorn and refusal to understand what I’m going through.  Depression is an illness and one I never asked for. It steals all the happiness away from me, my confidence, my smile, my stubbornness…  My everything and I only want somebody to hold me when I cry.

I know my family is dysfunctional but why does that mean they can’t be supportive? Why can’t they understand what I’m going through and how much I’m hurting?

On Thursday evening I started to wash up and I was listening to the radio. At one point I ended up in a crumpled mess on the floor and sobbed until I felt a wave of numbness crash over me. Detached is the point I’m aiming for because I’m running away from depressed. It just seems that I’m running around in circles at the moment.

Everything is an absolute nightmare right now.

– Tasha


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