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Sleep? No Chance!

17 Feb

I feel like throwing a party, the pain has finally lifted and my heart doesn’t feel so heavy anymore. I could complain about not being able to sleep or how my life is still littered with worry mines, but I won’t. I’ll just let you in on a little secret and let you know what I like to do when sleep is too far out of reach. I limp around Youtube digging up videos that bring a smile to my face. Comedy is something everybody needs in their life. It can shine a torch through your soul when you’re drowning and help you cling onto what life you have, however unsteady and unwell you feel. You should always have a little place in life for a large helping of comedy gold.

 

The first time I saw this video I couldn’t believe how true the words were. I was also rather tickled by the teasing portrayal of the Americans, but you do have to admit it’s funny and brings a broad smile to your face. There is a lot wrong with this world when you think about it and I think kickin’ ass is probably just what we all need to do.

 

All I think about when I watch this Monty Python sketch is the following: The London Olympics 2012. The London Olympics 2012. The London Olympics 2012. The London Olympics 2012.

I have to say I’m quite content not being able to sleep when I have comedy gold like this at my fingertips.

New Year, New Life?

31 Dec

Dear Diary,

As the time rolls closer to midnight, I find myself sitting here and thinking. Thinking about points A, B and C. Yes, my mind is that organised I have even taken the time to label my thoughts. You can take pity on me for having far too much time on my hands or applaud me; the choice is very much up to you. But anyway, back to my thoughts. My ever so amazing, glittery, sparkly plans for 2012…

Firstly say hello to my first thought: I want to volunteer for Mind. For those of you who have no idea what I’m typing about and think I want to spend even more time in my own mind, nope, your own brain is a little crooked. I don’t want to turn knight in shining armour and vanquish my own problems; I would rather spend time helping others. Mind is a mental health charity in Great Britain and it does a great, great job. Oh, I can’t believe how cheesy that sounds. ‘Great’ is not usually a word I would use but hey, please have pity on me. It is New Years Eve and there is some absolutely shocking music on the TV right now. (Who is Loick Essien and why did 210,000 people buy a song which makes my ear drums vomit?) The Mind wheels have already been set in motion and I’m determined to see that through until the end in the New Year.

Secondly and I know you cannot wait to read about B, so I had better not keep you waiting any longer. B is a very special letter because it revolves around my studying. I was actually (And I’m sure you’re all really shocked by this admission) the world’s worst ever student. I was terrible and no, that word doesn’t even cover how utterly lost and trampled upon I was when I was attempting to do my A-Levels. I was eighteen, newly depressed and the school system chewed me up and spit me out. I felt like such a failure for not being able to complete my studies when everybody around me was doing just that. So now I’m older and slightly wiser, I’m studying with the Open University. I’ve passed my first course, sixty credits are mine and now I want more. Yes, I’m one of those greedy individuals and everything has to be mine. – Cue a carefully orchestrated evil cackle that will turn your blood to ice- I want my English degree and I will gain it!

Thirdly, I only want to be happy. This is a huge undertaking and I know at times it’s going to be a struggle, but right now, as the clock races further to the end of a year I would absolutely love to place firmly behind me, I feel like I’m on course to do just that. 2012 is going to be different because I’m going to tackle every issue head on no matter what it is. Isn’t it funny how you can become accustomed to avoiding life when it becomes too difficult? I do this. In fact, I do this so well I was expecting to be mentioned in the Queen’s New Year Honours list for being an avid avoider of all things ugly and annoying. But alas, Old Liz passed me by without a second look and I’m absolutely gutted. No really, I am. I hope you know I’m currently typing this with a miserable look painted on my face. That OBE could have been mine!

As the song Come On Eileen winds down (This really has to be the strangest New Year’s track listing ever) and Elton John begins (Seriously? Elton John?) I’m hoping 2012 is going to be my year because that is all I have: Hope. Hope and a sense of humour, and those are two traits you need to hold close to you when you’re hurting.

That’s enough from me this year.

  • Raindrops

 

Sunshine with a Chance of Laughter

13 Dec

Dear Diary,

I’m happy today, there, I said it! I feel like a different person and I couldn’t be more bewildered by my change in mood. It’s like the windy weather has blown away my troubles and given me a new lease of life. I’m sorry I haven’t updated in a couple of weeks but I was busy trying to find a way out of that deep, dark, bleak, black hole I had found myself stuck in. Thankfully I didn’t approve of the living conditions down there, so I wrangled with my depression until I could stand on my own two feet again and pulled an Indiana Jones. Yes, I climbed out of the hole, dusted myself off and smiled. I think I’m also extremely lucky my face didn’t crack because it’s been a long time since I have found a reason to smile.

I know it’s important for me to continue this diary and explore my thoughts and feelings whatever mood I happen to be in. I want people out there to know there is light at the end of the tunnel when you think you have nothing else to live for. Even when you feel like your heart is breaking, you still need to fight, fight and never give up because this is the only life you will ever have. I guess what I’m trying to say is “Fight, live, love, laugh and be happy!”

Another issue I can’t gloss over anymore is the problem with the Job Centre and now I’m feeling so much better in myself, I know I can fight the decision they made when they stopped my money for two weeks. It caused an abundance of problems, sent my depression spiralling out of control and left me penniless. I guess the money I lost isn’t the most important aspect because the woman’s behaviour to me was what pushed me to break down there in the first place. I only wish people would realise how their actions can affect somebody’s state of mind when they suffer from a mental illness. An exchange of words might seem like a completely normal occurrence to you, but to me when I’m crumbling inside, it feels like a personal attack and heaps more emotions onto my already unsteady mind.

I also have no interest in alcohol, none at all. I only seem to drown myself in spirits when I’m desperate and alone. If anybody reading this ever feels so down they feel the urge to drink: don’t do it. Alcohol is one of those friends your parents never liked you spending time with. It corrupts you, leads you astray and soon enough you see the cracks start to appear in your friendship. You’re better off finding somebody to talk to, just talk and talk some more. Even writing down your feelings can help when your mind is racing. If you write down some thoughts that are bothering you it’s easier to help yourself and if you choose to seek help, you won’t find yourself in a maze of silence and confusion when it’s time to explain your heartfelt feelings.

I guess that’s enough for now.

-Raindrops

 

I Keep Hitting a Brick Wall

17 Nov

Dear Diary,

I have a  half-brother. He’s ten months older than me. I’ve struggled to get to know him and right at this moment I’m fed up with hitting a brick wall.

There was an awful  mountain of hurt which lead up to me discovering he existed and I worked through that hoping I could one day forge a relationship with him. But sadly that doesn’t seem to be happening. I’m always trying to connect with my half-brother, thinking perhaps he wants the same: A sibling who cares.

I think I’m mistaken, painfully so.

Emails are ignored and when I bring this to his attention I receive an apology, which is nice, lovely even. But sadly, it’s just words. If somebody tells me they’re going to reply to my email, I believe them. After the third time without any such thing happening, I don’t know what to do.

The truth is, I don’t want to cut all contact with him. I just wish he would realise what he could have if he kept his word and stayed in contact. His lovely wife is pregnant with a little girl. I think of how thrilled my Nan would have been having a great-granddaughter and it makes me smile. I might not know the parents properly, but I’ll always be there for the baby. She’s my niece and I would do anything for her.

I guess I only wish my half-brother would understand how important family is. Sadly I can’t make this happen no matter how much I want it to. All I can do is be there for him when he finally decides he wants to talk.

 

Restless

14 Nov

Dear Diary,

It’s five to six in the morning and I’ve already been awake for a couple of hours. Why? I guess I just don’t know. There’s so much I can’t explain and I sometimes struggle to wade through my many thoughts on a daily basis.

I’m having one of those moments again. It’s times like this when I wake up far too early and it’s still dark outside. I feel like the silence is slowly eating away at my soul and sleep is escaping me like smoke billowing from an industrial sized chimney, coughing my depressive thoughts into the atmosphere.  If I lived in a country which exercised the death penalty, I would be the first woman to suffer such a fate for melting polar icecaps with my bleak, black thoughts.

In the song Pennyroyal Tea, Kurt Cobain uses the line, ‘I’m so tired I can’t sleep’ and that pretty much sums up how I feel right now. That and the numbness deep inside my soul is starting to wake. It’s being poisoned by sadness and the unhappiness is making my heart sink.

I can literally feel my mood dropping, sliding down a slippery slope and no matter what I tell myself, what I promise to do, I can’t seem to overthrow my feelings. My depression never takes my challenges seriously and the hurt expands inside me until the tears erupt from my eyes. But this is my life and I try my hardest to hang on while I promise myself one day I’ll be happy.

Well, I think I need to try and fall back to sleep. I’ve turned on the heating hoping the heavy warmth will lull me into unconsciousness. Do you think it will work? I’ll let you know if it does.

This is goodbye for now, thanks for giving me a place to collect and house my thoughts without bias.

– Raindrops