Tag Archives: Family

Family

11 Feb

Dear Diary,

I’ve never felt so alone in all my life. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of the earth and if I take another step I will surely fall into oblivion. The sharp edges of life are fading, I’m losing the will to fight and nobody is here to hold my hand and tell me everything will be fine. Even my own family have abandoned me and I don’t have the strength to hate them for it.

“You have nothing to be depressed about!”

That line was just fed to me and I’m so sick of having to defend myself against my own family’s scorn and refusal to understand what I’m going through.  Depression is an illness and one I never asked for. It steals all the happiness away from me, my confidence, my smile, my stubbornness…  My everything and I only want somebody to hold me when I cry.

I know my family is dysfunctional but why does that mean they can’t be supportive? Why can’t they understand what I’m going through and how much I’m hurting?

On Thursday evening I started to wash up and I was listening to the radio. At one point I ended up in a crumpled mess on the floor and sobbed until I felt a wave of numbness crash over me. Detached is the point I’m aiming for because I’m running away from depressed. It just seems that I’m running around in circles at the moment.

Everything is an absolute nightmare right now.

– Tasha

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I Keep Hitting a Brick Wall

17 Nov

Dear Diary,

I have a  half-brother. He’s ten months older than me. I’ve struggled to get to know him and right at this moment I’m fed up with hitting a brick wall.

There was an awful  mountain of hurt which lead up to me discovering he existed and I worked through that hoping I could one day forge a relationship with him. But sadly that doesn’t seem to be happening. I’m always trying to connect with my half-brother, thinking perhaps he wants the same: A sibling who cares.

I think I’m mistaken, painfully so.

Emails are ignored and when I bring this to his attention I receive an apology, which is nice, lovely even. But sadly, it’s just words. If somebody tells me they’re going to reply to my email, I believe them. After the third time without any such thing happening, I don’t know what to do.

The truth is, I don’t want to cut all contact with him. I just wish he would realise what he could have if he kept his word and stayed in contact. His lovely wife is pregnant with a little girl. I think of how thrilled my Nan would have been having a great-granddaughter and it makes me smile. I might not know the parents properly, but I’ll always be there for the baby. She’s my niece and I would do anything for her.

I guess I only wish my half-brother would understand how important family is. Sadly I can’t make this happen no matter how much I want it to. All I can do is be there for him when he finally decides he wants to talk.