Tag Archives: Rain

I Want to Shower Grapes With Sunshine

16 Nov

Dear Diary,

I knew drinking wine would work and I’m even smiling to myself as I write this. I slept for over fifteen hours straight thanks to two bottles. You have no idea how better I feel after a good nights sleep. I need to sleep or I feel like I’m losing my mind. Even the headache I have right now isn’t bothering me because it’s keeping the bad thoughts at bay.

My brother is trying to kill me with kindness. Look what he made me:

A cheese toastie and crisps. It did taste better than it looks.

I’m already tired and I don’t know why. I also still feel detached from the world and everybody in it… But that’s okay, it’s fine. Detached equals less pain and no tears.  I only like crying when I’m alone at night curled up in bed. I’ve found it releases the pain I keep bottling up inside my heart. If I don’t let the tears fall, I’m afraid one day my heart will shatter and I won’t want to glue it back together. That really is my biggest fear, waking up to realise the day has come where I give up my fight.

That day has come before, three times in fact, but I feel as though they were only rehearsals for the final act.

No, I don’t know why I’m thinking this way either. I should be used to these feelings by now. Seven years I’ve felt this way. Seven fucking years and I’m still here and hanging on to what little life I have. My chipped nails have had more than their fair share of practice and I’m gripping onto the edge of life, my feet dangling over a hazardous drop.

I feel better than I did yesterday and I’m thankful for that. Sleep truly is the master of all healers and alcohol is its accomplice.

On that note, I find I have nothing else to say.

– Raindrops

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