Tag Archives: step in the right direction

The Sun Has Stopped Shining

3 Feb

Dear Diary,

I feel so utterly lost and my souring mood has been beaten about the head until it  promised to be forever and a day miserable with a sprinkle of ‘I hate my life’ tears. I suppose I’m always pretty unhappy and I can live with that, but when I feel this depressed it hurts so badly I want to run away from myself. I’m struggling to describe even a small percentage of the pain I feel and it’s taken me at least half an hour to write anything.

I cried yesterday, I cried five times. Tears leaked in the Job Centre, while I was walking to the bus stop, as I was sitting on the bus, when I arrived at my volunteer job at Mind and when I returned home. The tears decorated my face all day Thursday and I haven’t had time to feel all that foolish or embarrassed about it yet.

Bottling up my feelings and pretending everything is okay is detrimental to my health and the longer the problems with the Job Centre continue, I know I’m not going to feel any better. I haven’t been sleeping well since I received the serious looking letter from them and even trying to find out the simplest facts from their call centre is a mission best left to Sherlock Holmes. But after living with Depression for years I know a good sleeping schedule is important to keep the black dog at bay, but how can I close my eyes at night and sleep when I know my life is pain wrapped in a blanket of thorns?

When I take a step in the right direction and there’s a stirring of happiness which is a feeling I’d long since forgotten, I feel a little braver and think maybe I can achieve all of my goals, become someone, the person I’d love to be, but then the cold light of day hits me square in the eyes and I realise the world is a cold, dark, unforgiving place where the average person is ripped to shreds.

I’ve still been searching for a job and even applied for one at a hotel/bar in my local town centre. But between you and me, I don’t hold out much hope for a golden reply of, “Yes! Come in for an interview right away. You’re just what we’ve been looking for!” Yet there is a small pocket of hope deep inside me wishing I’d never ever have to darken the doorstep of the Job Centre again. Do perfect jobs even exist and where can I find them? More importantly how can I become confident?

Do you know why I first wanted to volunteer for a mental health charity? I knew I needed to improve my confidence because I struggle to believe in myself. Not only is Mind an excellent place for people weighed down by the world and their mental health issues, but when I go there  everybody is so lovely. I stand there and feel like I completely lack any type of social skills, I’m nervous, I beat myself up and I don’t even understand the concept of small talk. Even when I’m asked to help write a press release I can’t help but type away and then hit the back button until I’ve deleted every single word. I belittle myself, I can’t stand to be given a compliment because I despise who I am and I don’t believe I have anything of value to contribute to the team.

I want to be confident, but I don’t want to become an absolute nightmare. I want to be happy, but I don’t want to skip down the street beaming at everybody I meet.  I want to beat this depression into submission, but most importantly I want to use everything I’ve learned about myself to create something positive, long lasting and if happiness decides to make a reappearance again, I’d be eternally grateful.

To be completely honest with you, I don’t know what to do or where to start. When life begins to close in on me, should I run away or stand my ground with a trembling bottom lip and a stubborn, tearstained gaze? I guess the time has come to make that decision because I’m the master of my own destiny and despite being blown of course by the most ferocious of storms, I’m still standing, if not with a little trouble and a broken heart.

– Raindrops